122. taking risks

"God risked Himself on me,

I will risk myself on you. 

And together, we will learn to love,

and perhaps then, and only then, 

understand this gravity that drew Him unto us"

Donald Miller

121. countdown to being home..

after so many years 

of knowing each other,

it is a pity to know how little you understand me..

i was angry on your behalf,

but instead you were angry at me for that..

i pitied you for what you have been through,

but you see it as my fault that you have to go through them..

i made my own decision to be happy,

but you felt that i should have stick with you through thick and thin..

i've tried my best to accommodate..

to the very point that i've started to ignore..

just so that i won't get too angry and frustrated over you..

you can do unto others and yet we can be alright with it..

leaving things for the benefit of doubts..

but when it is done unto you,

a big fuss is created..

what do you really expect from us??

oh Lord, help me forgive them

for they do not know what they re doing..

frustrations aside,

my miserable experience is finally coming to an end..

just another 12 days to survive in this place..

and i'll be home again soon..

but then again..

for now i have to hang in there with very busy schedule..

by God's grace and mercy these will soon be over..

120. my new eye candy..

after so many emotional post

of my frustration and disappointment

it's time for a happy post ;)

things haven't been doing so great lately..

i'm frustrated most of the time cause of people's stupidity 

i'm angry most of the time cause i feel helpless..

but yesterday was just a great day..

i got to see my eye candy..;)

i got to hear my once favourite song..

i got to hear the good voice..

i got to enjoy the moment..

as much as i love the voice and song..
i never really expected that..
it came as a surprise..
but i love it;)

but i just find it so ironic..

that the person i was looking for all these while

is the person i say hello to everyday

is the person i come across everyday

is the person i wished good luck to

before the performance..

**********

today was another good treat..

went for dim sum buffet with lovely people

a break well deserved for everyone

we sat there for 2 hours filling up our stomachs..

talking and laughing 

in a grand hotel

like we own that place..;p

great weekend..

a time where it is stress-free

filled with great company

and good food

and great memories;)

my mood now:

i am still smiling listening to my eye candy's song..

if only this song could work its magic everytime ..

especially in stressful moments.. ;P

119. three years ago...it was good then..

the date 26 Sept 2009

has a very significant meaning to my life..

3 years ago,

this was the day i left home 

and was on my way 

to a foreign land 

which i have grown to love so much..

3 years ago,

i was so excited and yet sad to be leaving home..

now..

3 years has passed..

and i'm missing every moment of it..

i miss being on the plane

on a long-haul flight..

how i wish i can be on the plane now..

to take me 

away from this place..

away from all the stress..

away from all the craziness..

away from all the unhappy things..

it was so much better then..

no crazy lecturers breathing down my neck..

no possessive lecturers forcing me to do anything..

life was so peaceful there..

and relaxing..

it was much more civilised there... 

and they actually put human rights into practise..

thank God i made full use of my time there..

otherwise i would have regretted even more..

looking back now,

i could smile at the memories i have created there..

sweet and lovely time there..

one day..

i will be back again to relive my memories..

118. there!! i hope you read this!!!

it's been 2 months plus 

since i started my final year here in Kelantan..

and throughout the whole time 

all i can think of that is positive 

is that i am nearer to my family 

where i can run back to anytime..

this place itself is not that bad..

assignments though stressful is still very bearable,

food even though limited is still bearable,

curfew and stupid rules is still tolerable,

but why of all the people 

it's you making my life a hell here..

disappointment is an understatement

i've lost all respect for you in every way..

this final year should be a time of sweet memories..

but why do you make me hate you more everyday..??

you might think that we will thank you

but in actual fact you're pushing us to the edge 

and all we feel like doing now is to curse you 

and to jump off the edge just to get away from you..

why of all the days in the world 

do you have to choose that very day

that all of us are looking forward to?

why do you have to take away the only time 

we can have fun and to meet the others before they graduate??

why do you have to be such a female dog!!??

don't go behind our backs making decision for us..

we are no longer the kids we were..

and we won't thank you for that..

don't we have the rights to say no to things??

we are not your slaves for goodness sake!!

it's such an irony that you're teaching us about professionalism..

and about reflective teaching..

do you even reflect??

is this even professional??

dear God..please help this woman realise what she is doing!!

117. You will make a way..

oh Lord..

help me through this time of need..

help me see these IMPOSSIBLES as 

better possibilities..

with 5 different assignments 

to hand in in 5 consecutive weeks..

in addition to time-wasting activities

organised by the forever-late-coming people..

oh Lord,

help me guard against 

self-pity

depression

frustration and 

anger..

for with You, all things are possible!!

You will make a way 

even when there seems to be no way..

116. ignorance vs stupidity?

i thought you were different..

i thought you were understanding and considerate..

but oh my..

what a shock i had today..!!

you are not just ignorant but stupid to the core..

believing that only you are right 

just because you are 'educated' in that sense..

if there are more people like you around,

no doubt that another May 13 could happen..

is it right for you to criticise people's faith and belief?

telling people that their holy book is altered according to our wants..

that people's faith is not as divine as yours?

i bet if this happen to you,

when people criticise your faith in your face

there would be a havoc..!!

it could also be the news headline for tomorrow's paper..

it is just so sad to see such people..

it's the 21st century for goodness sake!!

why are you still living in the well??!!

ignorant to the core of other people around you!!

you might be more knowledgeable

but that does not mean you could criticise people 

for their own choice..

is it wrong if one choose to be a vegetarian?

it is their body and mouth..

don't they have a say on what they want to do??

do i need you to tell me that i HAVE to eat what i do not want??

though i'm angry and frustrated with you..

i chose not to say anything..

cause i chose not to stoop as low as you..

i don't want to degrade myself to your level of stupidity and ignorance..

my faith and belief is not for you to judge..

it is between my God and me..

who are you to decide that my God is not the Most High??

115. a teacher (to be)

it feels so good 

to be in the house of the Lord..

so much of love, encouragement and joy..

they are what i need all these while..

the work of the darkness is in progress..

all the time..

and it took this seminar to wake me up..again...

to realise how i've forgotten His promises..

******

the message today..

teacher plays a very significant part in a student's life..

the testimony of how

a teacher who imparts love

impacted the life of a naughty boy

who is now a pastor..

wouldn't it be the greatest award and achievement 

when you know that as a teacher

you have touched the life of someone..

someone who might have been regarded by others as

stupid, hopeless, rubbish..?

******

this is my calling for now..

as a future teacher..

things might change in the future..

who knows what is prepared for me..

even though things are not easy now..

but i'm sure there's reasons 

as to why i was even sent here..

a place i've never thought i would be in..

in a year,

i would have graduated..

and be an official teacher in schools..

but somehow

 i still don't quite see myself as one..

i'm not prepared..

i have so many doubts in me..

how am i going to handle my class and students??

where will i be posted??

in rural areas far from home??

or in the comfort zone near my hometown??

it's kind of scary..

going to school for real soon

with so many doubts in me..

and all i can do is to trust the One..

for He knows what is best for me

for He has planned every detail of my life 

even when i was still in the womb..

but

trusting and committing everything is

much easier said than done though..

sorry Lord for i doubt too much..

that i try to take things into my own control..

and forgetting that You are the one who is in control 

of EVERYTHING!!

please help me deal with these doubts, O Lord..

114. che's wedding

for the past few days, i have been really busy with my sis' wedding preparation. but it was all worth it at the end of the day..to see her being so happy and blessed. the morning session was just fun and happy moments filled with laughter and funny expressions. the night event was just special in every way. people might have complains on the way we manage things but all that does not matter a single bit when every thing was planned to be meaningful to the couple. it is personalised to make the wedding reception more meaningful for the couple.. and not for anyone else..

now that sis is married, i seemed to be the centre of attention with everyone asking me the bonus question. well, i'm very sure my time will come when my Creator introduces me to the special one He has planned for me. guess it would be very special and personalised too ;)

my friend recently asked me what is my main 3 criteria of my future one at the top of my head..but my mind suddenly went blank and only one appear- one very crucial criteria to me.. i'm not sure if this is a confirmation for me..or rather a reminder to me..but that appeared very instantly..and i know for sure how important that is to me. many times i have considered if the wait is all worth it..or if that is really so important to me..but i think now i can be very sure and not doubt it at all..

though the wedding is over, we still haven't really got over it.. with the tiredness hanging around.. and more photos to be viewed online.. it's a joy to go through all the photos..brings back the sweet moments we had just experienced together..

happy newly-wed che che and kenny kor!!

may God bless your marriage with love and happiness

even in times of trial..

love you both to bits!!!

113. the hidden joy in us..

thank you, Lord!!

that despite the stressed out moments, 

the disappointment and frustration

we can still laugh hard

and have fun together..

enjoying the company of the people we love..

p.s happy belated birthday my dearest!! you are the sweetest and the most loving person i have known..thank you for being a big part of my life..praise God for that ;) even though you don't like me to be 'cheesy', i'll still do it cause i love you..;p God bless you always my dear..

112. we are not racist!!

just out of curiosity.. and this thought has been bugging me for a while now.. why is it that when a big group of Chinese or Indians walking together or talking among themselves deemed racist? why are they seen as people who only hang out with their own race? but on the other hand, it is deemed normal or common when Malays sit in a big group talking among themselves? Chinese and Indians are expected to sit or talk with people of another race to show that they are not racist. But it is perfectly acceptable when Malays sit and talk among themselves.

No doubt that the Malays are the majority and they are not as many Nons to sit with in the class. But this scenario still happens when they are the minority in the classroom. Wouldn't it be unfair then to say that the Nons are racist just because we sit with people of the same race? Have you even reflected that on yourself? Why do you expect us to mix around when you are obviously not doing the same?

I don't even understand why anyone would want to raise this issue. Aren't we all Malaysians? Why do we even have to fill in what race we are in forms or anything like that? We are all Malaysian. There is only one race in Malaysia. So much for the One Malaysia Policy!! It is such a failure!!

111. a place where blood boils..

after 3 years, i am back in this place..

a place where it is filled with lots of memories..

i was first here 5 years ago..

and not much changes have happened since

except for a better looking toilet,

a room with mosquito netting..

that's pretty much all the changes in 5 years..

i dreaded the idea of being here..

i packed last minute..

just few hours before i started my journey here..

just to be rebellious..

which was useless of course..

cleaned and carried my things to the room..

a few rounds of climbing to the third floor..

exhausted, tired..

and frustrated because of some inconsiderate and brainless people..

the very next day...

i was literally kicked out of my room..

the reason was extreme lame..

so much for a 1 Malaysia!!

again i have to clean the room and carry my things 

to another block..

to the third floor..

what a great exercise!!

2 days here was enough to make my blood boil..

i'm pretty sure my blood pressure went up as well..

some lecturers were sincere and happy for us..

others were just waiting..

for a chance to attack us..

to criticise..

to condemn..

but sad to say..

they never got their chance..

for we were still us..

the changes in us made us more mature..

and we were more aware with our surrounding..

for we know this place and people too well..

my one week here has been a rather tiring experience..

i hardly have time for myself anymore..

when we were forced to attend unnecessary and ridiculous activities..

my week here and i'm already longing to be home..

Lord, please give me the strength and the patience to deal with everything..

for i am weak and tired..

110. H.O.M.E

i have been home for 18 days now..

but have been too lazy to write anything..

mainly because i haven't been doing much things..
sleep, eat, sleep, watch TV..

that's my daily routine..

got an email today..

stating the result of my 3 months worth of hard work..

my dissertation..

thank God for the guidance throughout the whole process..

for the help i got from my supervisor,

my darling friends and my parents..

thank God for the results..

anyway i think i've now got used 

to the humidity and the heat of my lovely country..

2 more weeks before i have to enter my prison again..

a place where there is a limited supply of muddy and rusty water,

limited variety of food,

strict and ridiculous rules,

nonsense scoldings..

back to busy schedules where

every minute of the day is filled with activities..

i'll be so tired by the end of the day

that i'll fall asleep immediately..

won't have time to think of anything else..

which could be a good thing at times..

109. less than 24 hours..home...

9 more hours before i leave Plymouth

20 hours more before i leave England

 for good..

a place filled with lots of memories..

a place i have spent 3 years studying..

a place where i have grown to love..

there's too many different emotions in me

that i can no longer distinguish each of them..

i was experiencing mood swing the whole day..

being sad one moment

being so happy one moment

laughing aloud with joy one moment

overwhelmed by the sadness of parting one moment..

i can't seemed to be able to decide

what i want to feel..

but then again...

i will soon be home..

a place that where i am showered with lots of love...

Lord,

please give me the strength 

to deal with all these sadness of parting..

help me see the joy behind all these sadness..

may our life experience here be a memorable moment to us all..

i thank God for all of you..

i thank God that He planned our meeting..

108. i'm on cloud 9 boat..

*grinning widely*

*laughing alone*

we are finally friends after 40 seconds..

hehehehehheheh

today is officially my last day in Plymouth..

it's Friday!!

why art thou here so soon??

i am actually very sad..

got to leave behind so many things..

but my day is now cheerful again!!

oh... i mean night...

again i feel your warmth..

despite the very cold and wet weather..

it's like Plymouth is crying as she bids goodbye to us..

how else can i make my last day meaningful..?

this is perhaps the best way!!

*grins*

i love being silly at this very moment..

this feels so good that

i'm not sure if i can sleep tonight..

(shall we go for a date on a boat? you row and i love)

~might not make much sense though~

107. 57 hours to go..

oh my goodness..!!

as i am writing this post,

it just occurred to me that 

i have only roughly 57 hours to go 

before i leave Plymouth..

a place i have called home for 33 months..

i know i have only 2 days left but

that fact just hit me..

where have i spent all my time?

it is late now but i'm reluctant to sleep..

i'm tired but i want to stay awake..

even though i am doing nothing,

i no longer know what i am feeling..

the mixed feeling that i had previously

is no longer mixed..

i don't know what is the next level of mixed..

feeling-less then??

i don't like packing..

but i have to do a lot of it lately..

packing my things for shipping,

putting them in boxes..

sealing my boxes..

lots of tapes..

lots of bubble wraps..

but

a horrible thing happened
for my shipping of boxes..
due to a man with poor management and planning..

packing my bags..

found out that i underestimated my property..

too much things to fit in the bags..

what am i going to throw or leave behind?

everything holds a memory..

apart from packing and wasting my time,

i don't really know what else to do..

every minute seemed so precious now..

so many things that i want to do 

in such a limited time..

oh my..oh my..

May God lead and guide me in making 

every second and micro second worth while..

my vision is blurry now..

maybe it is really time to get some rest..

with the sound of raindrops hitting my window..

it is really a very good time and atmosphere to be sleeping..

106. why i write..

i was just reading back some things i have written..

it feels so weird that i don't remember writing them..

if my name was not there..

i would never have assumed that i have written them..

why would i write such thing?

what was i feeling then?

what made me wrote that?

what had inspired me?

it is just a very weird feeling..

maybe that's why i like to write..

to write nonsense i mean..

not any academic stuff..

it makes me realise

how much i have grown,

how much i have mature,

how my views and opinions have changed..

how i reacted to things then..

it's a weird feeling..

weird in a very good way..

105. last event... Leaver's dinner

this whole month,

i have attended many events..

1. 10 May- Cream and Tea Party 

(organised by the Chaplaincy as a farewell)

2. 12 May- May Ball

(organised by Marjon Student Union...

summer is here and it's time to party!!)

3. 16 May- Farewell Party

(organised by Marjon 2)

4. 22 May- Tea Party

(organised by us to thank our elective lecturers)

5. 25 May- Leaver's Dinner

(organised by Marjon as a farewell for all third year students. 

this also marks the very end of my course here in Marjon...)

all these events add on

to make my memories in Marjon much more meaningful..

it shows that i have been a part of this place..this community..

even though these events are mostly as a farewell party,

it was really grand and i feel blessed to be there..

it feels so good to be acknowledged,

and to be treated as VIPs ;)

going to these events 

with my darlings made it even more memorable..

to be able to share the memories in years to come..

on a side note,

the sun is out and shining for a week now..

it makes the whole Plymouth looks so much more beautiful ..

i hope the weather will be good

 and stay sunny and dry till i leave...

104. bidding goodbye..

yesterday 25 May 2012

was the official date that i have completed my 

third year in the UK..

final assignment was handed in..

library books returned for good..

last personal tutorial

with my lecturer..

i had my first session of bidding goodbye with her..

wasn't easy at all..

went in her room being strong and happy..

came out with red eyes and sobs..

saying goodbye is really the hardest thing..

especially when you don't know 

when you will ever meet again..

talking about it makes things even worse..

it made me realised how much 

i'm going to miss them..

but she said she was happy 

to know that i'm sad about leaving..

cause it just shows that i have enjoyed every moment i have here..

it would be rather worrying

if i don't have a hint of sadness..

the first session of goodbye was difficult..

but will it be any easier 

when it comes to saying goodbye to the last person?

i doubt it..

103. events

in less than a week,

i have attended two very important events..

both are memory filled and 

i'm so thankful that i have people to share them with..

the first was May Ball (12 May 2012)..

a rather significant event

which is worth remembering..

sweet moments and memories that 

will remind me of MARJON a lot

lovely friends came to help doll us up..

we have a team of three make-up artists and one photographer

it seems like

they were even more excited than us ;p

we felt like teenagers getting ready for their prom..

or so i assume this is how it will feel like..

excited and overjoyed..

and i'm so thankful that

my friends were there with me to

create such unforgettable moments..

the only Malaysians in the event..

the second event was yesterday (16 May 2012)..

it was our farewell party organised by the juniors..

it was a gorgeous event..

they decorated the whole place and prepared 

finger-licking-good food

and personalised gifts..

God bless these lovely souls..

this farewell party 

marks the coming of the end of my 3-year course

here in MARJON..

bitter sweet memories are everywhere in this place..

never thought that my three years would come this soon..

much sooner than expected..

what have i achieve throughout this whole time?

i might not have the chance

to see some people anymore after we part ways..

people who i have been classmates with

for three years

friendships are bond throughout these whole time

but it will soon be separated by the South China Sea..

final goodbyes is still at least 3 weeks away..

am i prepared for that?

i'm not even sure..

the thought of it is enough to put a smile on my face

and a tear to my eye..

102. just for you..

i caught sight of you and 

the joy of seeing you

is beyond any description..

a very warm surprise on a cold day..

i lose control..

of my own body..

of how the ends of my lips 

made its own decision to curve upwards..

it was way too obvious..

but still...

it was just too difficult for me 

to put on a straight face..

one more month..

and i would not be able 

to find you among the crowd anymore..

that's all the time i have here..

101. eternal joy..

my greatest fear is not death..

why should i fear death if it means going home

to my Heavenly Father..

a place where there is only happiness,

perfect health,

lots of love and peace..

it will be a perfect reunion..

but....

i'm afraid of not meeting my

earthly loved ones there..

i'm afraid of losing them forever..

that's my biggest fear..

life is just a borrowed thing..

unpredictable in so many ways..

you will never know when you will lose it..

or when someone would just snatch it away from you..

accidents happen,

sickness strikes,

will this very second be my last?

only He knows..

will i meet you again in the promised place?

i want to..and i hope i will..

darling,

i'm sorry that you lost your loved one..

but i am very sure that you will meet her again

in the perfect place 

in His presence..

may He comfort you 

with His everlasting love

100. 100th post marks my one-month countdown

a month from today..

that's the end of my 3 year-course..

the end of my hectic last term..

the end of my studies in the UK..

a month from today..

i'll be busy packing up..

going through all my things..

and going away for my last trip..

to Ireland..

being here..

away from home..

away from my comfort zone 

has definitely taught me a lot..

being here..

was worth the experience..

and i would not trade it in for anything..

it is my memory,

my experience,

an important part of my life..

being here,

has given me the chance..

to travel and to see the wonderful creation of the Almighty..

and to enjoy the company of my darlings..

this is the journey i have chosen..

or rather..

Someone greater has chosen this for me..

He has been my companion throughout my journey..

always looking over me..

the reason i started this blog was to record my journey and experience being abroad..but it didn't quite work out realising that after three years, it is now only the 100th post...but i have been ever so grateful for this opportunity..for me to grow up and to be more independent..

i'm not sure if i'm really looking forward to go back for good..part of me is looking forward to being home..but the other part of me longs to be able to stay longer..would it be possible to split myself in two?

will i have the chance to come again in the future? these decisions are all based on Someone's plan for me..

Thank You, Someone!!

99. countdown?

i remembered the mixed feelings i had 3 years ago..

the thought of going to a foreign country..

the thought of leaving my family..

the thought of being all alone so far away..

i was excited to experience

 new things, new culture..

but yet

i was not willing to leave my comfort zone..

the only place where i know 

i would be safe and loved..

i counted the days 

excited to begin my new journey..

but yet 

i was dreading the moment 

when i had to leave..

3 years seemed like a long time then.....

but in a blink of an eye,

my 3 years is coming to an end..

and again i have all my emotions mixed up..

i look forward to going home..

to have all the food i want again..

to be with my family..

but i dread leaving this place

i have called 'home' for 3 years ..

throughout these 3 years,

friendships formed,

experience gained,

countries explored,

friendships strengthen,

and 

mind and heart opened..

shall i start counting down my days

of leaving this foreign country?

it's merely 2 months away..

so many things to do

with so little time left...

i know everything was made easy for me..

cause i am well taken care of by the love of my life..

thank You, Lord, for looking over me..

for giving me opportunities to gain more experience..

help me make full use of the remaining time i have here..

let these 2 months be used wisely..

98. a year ago...

a year ago...

things were very different...

365 days later, 

i realised that things have changed..

not sure when did it happen though..

but i'm sure it didn't happen overnight..

it was more of a gradual change..

a year ago,

friendships started,

moments were created,

fun and joy was shared..

but they are now only  memories..

something that i will look back and smile..

whether they are worth keeping 

depends

on what my future reveals..

97. are you not blessed with a healthy body?

there are so many people out there

especially those who are in hospitals

who long for a healthy and able body

so that they would be able to attend schools 

just like everyone else.....

that is just a simple wish of theirs..

but there are also many

 who wakes up everyday and decides.....

to fake an illness 

just so that they would be able to skip schools

and to sleep in...

do you not realise...

how blessed are you?

to have a healthy body..

to have a functioning brain..

to be able to move around unassisted?

to be able to run..

to be able to eat...

to be able to have fun...

to simply be blessed enough to have a school to go to...

i'm sure there are millions out there

who would be more than willing to trade places with you..

let them have a chance then...

if you are so willing to confess that you are not well

when you are as fit as a fiddle,

what's the harm of exchanging places with someone from the hospital?

let them have a chance to be in your place..

and for you to experience the pain they go through everyday because of their illness..

since you wanted to be ill so much...

96. my cupcake day

thank You for being there for me through 23 years..

thank You for every breath that i inhale..

thank You for the plans You have in mind for me..

thank You for the grace and mercy that i don't deserve..

*******

today is cupcake day for me..

3 lovely cupcakes presented by lovely people with lovely thoughts..

may God shower these wingless angels with blessings..

*******

a parcel arrived today..

a wonderful surprise that meant so very much..

it was indeed a surprise despite the obvious clue..

never would i have expected it..

and it was from my babies (that's what they called themselves)

and it was a ring..

~

~

for my ears..

*******

sweet messages from my family was enough to make my day better..

had been in SBE (School Based Experience) the whole day..

but no matter how bored it could be,

it was still a wonderfully blessed day..

Thank You for the joyful people around me

who made this day another memorable day..

95. thank God...;)

Thank You that You have made everything possible..

i am nothing without Your guidance and grace..

after months of effort,

i finally saw the product..

it's not the final product yet

but at least the overall idea is there..

just handed in my first full draft..

feedback will be coming soon..

some editing here and there later on..

that should be the end of it then...

can't wait for the end of this..

to submit my dissertation and bid goodbye..

i am gonna break up with you on 23 Mac..

after 3 months of relationship..

lots of bitter sweet moments..

this coming Saturday would be a great experience for me..or so i hope..will be going to London airport to pick up some 40 people from China..and the greatest part is that i have to speak Mandarin..my terribly broken Mandarin that has gone rusty over the years..and i would be the only one there who could understand Mandarin..oh my..oh my..i hope i would be able to understand them and more importantly for them to understand me..this opportunity does not come often and i hope i will survive the trip..it would be a good break for me after handing in my full draft..

Thank God for every little detail of my life..;)

94. my name..

i have been in the UK for almost 3 years now and i kinda dread introducing myself every time i meet new people simply because i know they would find it difficult to pronounce my name and they would just somehow say it wrongly. it is very common for me to repeat myself a few times before they could get somewhere close to having my name said correctly. i never really realised that my name was that difficult to be pronounce but i don't really blame them. it is an uncommon name to them and at least they take the initiative to try. 

when i first arrived, i thought i would come up with a so called 'English' name so that it would be more convenient for the locals to say it. i asked my parents to think of one that would suit me but mom assured me that i do not need one cause if they cared enough, they would somehow try to say it correctly. and she always felt that once i have an 'English' name, i would not be using my chinese name anymore which they had taken a lot of time and effort to come up with. so for that, i decided to stick to my given name..i know i'm making a big fuss over my name..but i wouldn't like to be called something different from what my parents had decided to name me..

and today i found out how these 2 lovely people try to remember my name..

1. tea and way (which makes it sound very similar)

2. Theo Walcott -a football player from Arsenal (i don't quite see much similarities in it but if that's how he remembers it, ok then..)

93. reminder to future self

just thought i should post this here as a reminder to myself..

i'll never know when i might need such encouragement in the future..

Me: God, can I ask you a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise u won't get mad ...

God: I promise
... ...
Me: Why did u let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God:Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?

God: Let me see, the Death Angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Ok

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust me.....in all things , the good & the bad.

Me: I will trust you

God: And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after my children...

92. thank You for always there..

thank You...

for Your guidance,

for Your blessings,

for Your grace and

for Your love...

i always forget

and try to take things into my own control..

that is when things always

get out of control...

thankfully,

i have a great You

to forgive me,

and to lead me back on track..

You are my leader,

my friend, my comforter,

my love, my saviour,

my God..;)

thank You for never giving up on me..

things got pretty bad the whole of last week..i tried to do everything with my own strength but only He knows how weak i was..i tried and tried and got frustrated but things still didn't work out..till i realised that i was on my own..i wasn't giving Him a chance to help me..thank You for sending me words of encouragement and love through the people around me..to let me see how hard You wanted to help me all the time..it was me too busy pushing You away thinking that i could handle it myself..

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6

91.i have to..

i like it when i say things for fun

and yet you still take me seriously..

when i would smile and laugh

even if it is not really that funny..

when you and i 

have to go about our lives

but would still take the time 

to have a chat 

every now and then

just to catch up..

i know who you really are 

and what you really want..

but i can't let go of my own wants 

and for that  

letting go is perhaps the best decision..

90. i want a break up..

i have been in a relationship with you for 2 whole years..

we tend to break up and get back together again..

it happened again and again..

in the beginning

it had been sweet,

it had been lovely,

it had been meaningful,

it had been the love of my life..

but now,

i am tired of this relationship and
i want a break up..

i am ready to let it go and to move on..

cause

you have taken up too much of my time..

i am tired of trying to understand you all the time..

i am tired of explaining things to people on your behalf..

i am tired of guessing what you want to say..

i believe that this will be the best decision

for you and me..

but if we were really meant to be together,

we will make it happen again..

no matter what,

you will still be a sweet memory to me..

goodbye Shakespeare!!

i'm done with you for now!!

woohooo!!!

89. first day of cny..

this chinese new year was in one way better than last year..

i had a lovely time and

i got to enjoy the delicious meal..

eating everything i wanted

unlike last year....

all i had for cny was just porridge..

and even more porridge for a week..

all because of the stupid wisdom tooth which was not wise enough to grow properly..

but apart from the food there was nothing much to put me in the cny mood..

no video calls..

no fun conversations..

no pictures of what is going on back at home..

no cookies..

no family..

it's just a very very ordinary day..

with lots of thoughts and longing..

i miss you all a lot!!!

88. 3rd CNY...away...

(this two little ones have been on the wall of my house for 3 years now)

 this is now my third year away from home..

my third year missing out on reunion dinner..

my third year missing out on the fun..and

my third year of not being able to spend it with my loved ones..

but this would also be my final year of all the things i'm missing out on..

can't wait for next CNY though this one is not officially celebrated yet..

but how i wished i could be there to complete the family..

sorry gong gong and por por..

 i won't be home again this CNY..

but i will be there next year..

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR..!!

87. i will still smile

even if you've hurt me,

betrayed me,

lied to me..,

i will still smile

cause

there are still people around me who i want to smile to..

and now, i can smile all day long..cause

 i'm glad to say that my life does not include you..

86. new year, new term

the phrase "time flies" does not really apply in my life anymore. it seemed to be moving faster than that.. but i can't think of a word to substitute "fly" though.. and.. the holiday came and it's going to end in a few hours.. what have i done so far? nothing much..

-Spain for 4 days

-hibernation started right after the trip

-did my 1000 word for a chapter 

-watching dramas and movies

-bro came for a week to visit

there! 3 weeks of winter break summarised..

so now,it's probably time to get my thoughts and energy focused on my course again..but it would be busier than usual..because the management people seemed to think that it would be fun to squeeze in whatsoever module they can think of for us to learn during our third year..

~may the great You be my pillar of strength and to sustain me through all of these..

~may the great You be my light of guidance in my every thought and action..

p/s: happy birthday dearest friend..;) thanks for being you..